There's nothing better than spending an afternoon listening to an "exchange of ideas" about how the "youth can be the hope of the environment". It elicits the "same excitement you can get from proofreading science textbooks". Oh the wonderful glories of being there! If it's one thing I really like, it's being out of school during school hours, in a different school, on official school business. I was curious to see how Ateneans conducted themselves, and if they actually live up to their proclaimed standards. But as that's a topic for another day, let me get back to the Oratoricals.
Right-o.
Maika and I had spent the whole Tuesday practicing and performing. At that time we still had no idea who was going to present. We did it over and over again, up til the afternoon wherein Ms Abarquez finally asked us to perform for the coordinators to help her decide. Perhaps it was the fatigue, the constant tension, and the fact that I had spent a good hour doing diaphragm exercises (in a rather baffled way, I must admit). Or perhaps it was because I didn't really have my heart set on doing the oratoricals. But whatever the reason, I was dimly aware that I was slightly out of focus when I did that crucial minute for the coordinators.
They finally were able to decide, but Ms Abarquez, before breaking the news, sat down with us and asked what we honestly thought about the thing. Maika's answer, in case you want to know, was that she had been waiting for this opportunity since her freshman year, and that even though she was scared, she wanted to do it. I was a little amazed that there are actually people who want to go through this type of hell, even though there's a prize at the end of the agony. Ms Abarquez nodded, then turned to me, waiting for my answer.
And I said,
"Well. I've been thinking about this since the weekend. And I think I CAN do it, ifever it boils down to that. I enjoy soliloquies and oral tests (whatta nerd, I know), but speeches are different. Frankly, I'm not sure if I want to do it. You don't get to pretend. You have a message. And the thing I'm afraid of, aside from facing the crowd and all, is that if I don't believe what I was saying, if I don't have that CONVICTION, then... how am I going to impart my message?"
I'm afraid I can't type it verbatim, but that's pretty much what I said. But more than what I said above, my deeper reason was that I had to be true to myself. I really DID think about it all weekend. Over and over. I knew I'd like the glory of winning, of being important, of being commended (it's a nice feeling, you know). But if I did it for those reasons, then my reasons would have been selfish. And I would have completely missed the point of doing it in the first place. The activities of the Eco Week, although debatable in their usefulness to the real cause, all aim to make their own stand for the environment. And I asked myself, Would I do it for the earth? You see, it's not so easy writing and talking about the state of our surroundings. You could talk fine and act noble. I've been there, done that. It was only later on, through the uneasy pricking of my consciousness, that I realized that I had merely deceived myself and the others around me on the merits of my actions. I've learned that doing things for all the wrong reasons, for all the wrong motivations, have no reward. And more than that, people are bound to pick up the stench of unclean charades. You can't deceive the universe.
I've had that lesson imprinted starkly in my mind since then, and I always came back to it when I was mulling over what to do with the oratoricals.
Anyway, the teachers had decided to go with Maika. I'm glad that I said I didn't want it-- for a moment there a scene flickered in my mind, with someone saying "You're fired!" and with me retorting, "I didn't ask for the job, actually." Whew. At least I got off the hook with as much dignity as I could muster. It did hurt a bit-- the outcomes of looking yourself in the eye are often scathing-- but I was largely relieved to find the pressure off my shoulders. I, the understudy, spent the afternoon giving my own inputs to help Maika's improvement.
It's a curious word, understudy. It sounds like a euphemism for a handicapped sub who isn't up to par with the original contestant. Sigh. Nevertheless, that afternoon, I found that I could face the challenge squarely and deliver what was expected. It became a vindication of sorts. Now knowing what I was capable of, I had that guarantee that I could enter any future contest at will and step up to the plate any time I wished it.
I slept well that night, because I had nothing to worry about, haha! That Wednesday was a nice day actually. The only downside was that people kept telling me, "Good luck!" I felt a little guilty accepting the well-wishing, knowing full well that I didn't really need it, but as people tended to leave me as I was about to explain, "Actually, it's Maika who's--", I didn't bother with it anymore. If you noticed the pained smile I was wearing that day, it was because of that.
We left for the Ateneo at quarter to eleven, arrived there at eleven-thirty. Ate for half an hour. Looked for the venue. Killed time. LOTS of it. The contest was to start at 2 pm. Did you know that you could play around a hundred rounds of the staring game with the floor with that much time?
It finally started. Everyone was on their toes. I never knew that there were so many styles of delivering a speech. Some preferred to do some theatrics, other liked to do it with made-up accents. So this is how things go, I thought to myself. I was looking at a small part of the oratorical playing field. For now I contented myself with just peering in, not doing any actual playing myself. Maybe in a year or so.
Maika was finally called. I was a little terrified that she'd miss a line. She did, but nothing damaging. It went smooth as silk, at least I think so-- but then, I've already seen her do it so many times that the effect is rather lost on me. (Her footware worked fine, by the way. She had broken the heel of her shoes early on. Thank God I brought the extra flats.)
So there. It was done at last. And I think she won, if I'm not mistaken. Assumption Antipolo won. As much as I applaud her, let's not forget the other people who also contributed to the effort: Ms Cartagena, Ms Michelle, Ms Abarquez, Ms Rory (for her stage tips), Steph Gumaru (for her excellent example), Ms Miranda, and me. :))
The competition wasn't particularly tight. There were few of them who really stood to par. I think I would often wonder how it would have been if I had been the one delivering the speech. It this regret? No, not that. I promised myself I would never regret anything I firmly decided. And I did this, being consciously honest with myself. I promised myself that I would never look
back with those kinds of thoughts.
Besides, I'm less likely to trip that way.
