Summer melancholy

This one is a really personal post, and while I have to disappoint those who were hoping that I'd admit outright that I'm a vampire, a banshee or the last surviving genius in this era (er, a joke, in case you didn't catch that), I do hope that none of you will think less of me because of my admittance to my flaws.


Sometimes I envy people who seem to feel more than I do, who aren't so apathetic or indifferent or passive as to let the moment pass by. To confess, it's been ages since I've sobbed my heart out... no, wait, I cried at the height of the stress and pressure of the IP, and the despair I felt towards the end of the schoolyear. I cried, bitterly, partly because it all seemed so lost, and partly because of the pathetic reason that I was sobbing.

I hate crying. Because once I start, I can never seem to stop. I can do it for one reason, then continue on because of another thing, and another, because the dam I keep building up suddenly breaks apart in a wild torrent of angry waters, to see that I've been scarred for a multitude of instances, only to sigh for the umpteenth time because I. HATE. CRYING.

It's why I keep it checked. Controlled. To the point of numbing myself to a smile; to the point of thinking the feeling. The tsunami disaster was just news, the devastating stampede was just horrifying statistics; to tell you the truth, I nearly slept through Manny Pacquiao's victory, and missed the moment. (You might disown me after knowing the last one, but it really happened...)

I'm sorry to say this to the world, and I'm sorry to say this to myself: that I am a shabby excuse for a human being if I can't feel compassion for anything that doesn't involve my personal happiness.


But the only thing permanent is change, and the only thing that keeps the human race alive in desperate times is hope. Resiliency will come and I'll have my happier self back.

In the meantime, I can only wait for my period to end; hormones will stabilize themselves by that time.


Garrh, no wonder I've been craving for sugar... Oh Cadbury, please bring back my happiness.